STTN

Sleep Through The Night. Dirty little words. A coveted goal, if unreached by a certain age (usually at only a couple months old parents start this brag), your a Parent Fail. I used to fess up how he didn't STTN, and how he took hours to put down some nights, and yes, I am a firm believer in parenting to sleep. Then I'd receive a litany of advice focusing around letting him cry, ignoring xyz, etc. Now, especially at a year, I just lie... "he sleeps soundly. All the way, every night."

The truth is that he wakes, usually 1-2 times now, and half the time, he has fallen back asleep before I poke my head in to see why he's crying. That is a fabulous transition from waking every two hours, not much more than two months ago. Once we moved away from co-sleeping, we were both able to get more solid hours of sleep. I'll brag about how that transition occurred in a future post. Some nights, he doesn't wake at all until the early morning. Most mornings, if it's light out when he's up, I coax him into bed with me for the feeding and squeeze an hour or two more sleep out of him: it's beautiful! The best part, even better than STTN, is that for about 3 nights in a row, plus a few more prior, but not consecutively, he has gone to bed with NO, I repeat NO fussing. Please don't let that jinx me!

A wise friend, who happens to be a colleague and my boss says, "It's not who they are, it's where they are." It's so amazing that where they are changes over night. I'll never get over that!

Do the best you can, there are no rules.

If you don't read this whole post, go down the end for my point in red, which is better than the argument.

Jong pisses me off. 
First of all, she rambles about the point she is making. I read the first half of the never ending post, needed to do something else, and made a comment to the friend that posted it, which basically went: "This lady's view sucks, that isn't what attachment parenting is all about, these ppl need to get off our backs. In general, people should lay off mothers, they will each have their own style and needn't anyone's criticism." I then found time to finish out the article. Low and behold, when I got to the end, Jong had the same point I did! So, no kudos for a well developed argument, IMO. Also more proof that we can all agree to disagree and get to the same outcome, and perhaps next time, not bash each other on the way there, please!

I'm constantly full of self doubt on what I do regarding Stefan. Just when I get comfortable enough to defend my own decisions, some silly, opinionated person goes and makes me question them. After all, Jong is a mother, and she has more experience than I, at this point. However, I thought her child raising views were a little old school for the current times. Then I realized in the rebuttal ( Rebuttal: DO read, this I agree with, and I'm not going further into points in my post because they are covered here),   Jong was old school, her children are my age (PS I'm not knocking the opinions of mothers who have children my age, see below, they are the source of my drive to be the best mom possible). What she believes was may be progressive for that time, but not now.  It puts her point of view into a whole new light, and made me realize that she needs to take a seat. Her criticisms, under the guise of opinions, are the same I get from many people of her generation. I'm not saying that it is wrong to have those opinions, but um...the point of the article is:

"We need to be released from guilt about our children, not further bound by it. We need someone to say: Do the best you can. There are no rules." 

(I wholeheartedly believe this!!!), and yet I feel guilt strewn all through out the article, as portions of my parenting style are clearly unacceptable in her opinion. Besides, though she claims parents like me are knocking women back in time regarding what the feminists have accomplished, I think that she in fact is knocking me back in time by criticizing my choice to be a mother, career woman, or both. Ultimately, learn how to debate, lady. I think she's more into stirring up the pot, anyway.

In my case, I want it all. I've never dreamed I'd give up a career, nor would I not try to give less than 110% attention to my child. Though I was "running the slow race" to having a baby (which is more like running from having a baby if you haven't heard the joke yet), I've always wanted children. I love them, love shaping them, observing their growth, inspiring them, and educating them. Having my own makes it so much more rewarding, words cannot profess how cool it all is. I could have assumed a bit of this, but I never knew to what extent I'd love motherhood. I don't feel like I'm compromising myself by giving my all to Stefan, even though that means changes in my career and lifestyle. Ultimately, I love all the challenges my parenting choices have brought, despite complaining ;). I don't feel attachment parenting is some sort of fad. In fact, people parented with attachment millions of years before parenting styles were even thought of. If they didn't, humans would have all been consumed by the lions, duh. I concede one point: It did (and does) take a village, though, I wish I had more of that in our lives, but we live in a different world.

Like I said, Jong's article was successful in stirring the pot, creating all sorts of conversation among my friends. The best point, I was told by coworkers while pregnant, and then again made in reference to Jong's article by an older woman friend of my lactation Goddess, Lisa, and ultimately the most important driving force in what I believe: My child is only young once. If I feel like it, I can safely put aside my career ambitions, ME-Time, hobbies, and home improvements for a few years and pick them back up again, but I'll never have this time with my child again. And there will be a time when I want it back, and for once in my life, I'm not going to have regrets about what I wish I had done. So thank you Cathy, Virginia, and random FB friend of Lisa, you've reminded me what keeps me going on those days when Stefan doesn't quit!

Great "first position" arms for dancing or conducting the Transiberian Octo-turtle Block Orchestra. All I know is you can always see the path of destruction everywhere from my little Tasmanian Devil!

Hey, hey, Sha nay-nay

"He's so adorable, how old is he?" asks a passing stranger. "A little over 8 months.", I reply, happy to engage in yet another conversation about Mr. Personality. "Oh wow, is he a good baby?"
UGH!!!!!!!

Can I say, I HATE that question. It kills every positive conversation. I thought people would stop asking it as he grew up. Nope. Is he a good baby...Are there bad babies? Is there some bad baby gang out there I haven't heard about? I envision their colors are powder blue and the rival gang would be pink. Or maybe the bad baby gangs would wear yellow and green- two neutral colors, so you can't tell what gender they are. They wear little yellow skull caps and watch out for the ones who have one pant leg higher than other (much like Stefan usually is because his clothes never stay put)...they're pakin' baby heat. And the baby dealers out there...you can get all sorts of illegal formula, biscuits, and pacifiers. I believe their secret code is something like, "waaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Most of all, watch out for those quiet bad babies...you never know what their up to...OH wait, that just kicked Stefan out of the bad baby gang.

Quiet honestly, even after working in New Haven, in the middle of the hood, I've met only 1 child I'd consider to be truly evil. And I bet he wasn't really evil, I just didn't take the time to know him. Babies don't really have the ability to be bad, though, and until they are older, don't have the ability to be manipulative either.

Considering that they can't be bad or manipulative, you can see how it's impossible to spoil a baby by holding them a lot or responding quickly to cries. At first I constantly questioned this. There is the old school of thought that wined, "you're spoiling him." vs. attachment philosophy, "his ability to cry is the only way to say he needs something." Responding to his cries teaches him to communicate when he needs mom, and sooner or later, he's learned to refine those cries to what he wants. After many months, I've had a lot of practice translating them. Insatiable shrieking for "hungry", weird shriek or small cry for "teeth pain", a single monotone hum for "tired", a bit of a wimper for "diaper change". He's been slower to crawl/be mobile then some others in his cohort (I'm referring to about 44 other babies whose mom's are in an online pregnancy forum with me), however, I'm not complaining. My baby is still where I left him when I put him down and my house isn't on lock down yet. In fact, I wish I could bottle him just the way he is right now- sitting very well, playing a lot, cute babbly talking, lots of smiles and laughter, and not moving all about the house. I sure know I'll get a run for my money when those feet start walking!

Now, I know those people really mean, "Is he cooperative and quiet?" Just as much as the next baby. I think if he was more quiet when he was young, he'd have some serious problems regarding the milk allergy (see previous posts if you need more info there). Also, I'd have not been so attentive, which I think is why he is ahead in some areas developmentally. He certainly would have been more hungry, and had a lot fewer diaper changes. He knows I'll be there to help him out when he needs me. Compliance isn't always a good thing either. He knows what he wants, and usually gets it, within reason. As he's gotten older, my parenting has changed a little too. At nap and night time, I put him down, usually crying or fussing. He soon drifts off. Now I let him get frustrated enough to cry for a bit when reaching for an out of reach toy and I don't carry, or sling him as much as possible. So while I rave about attachment parenting, I don't think it is the end all answer and that there is no one style that will always work...or will work through out all the months and years of Baby's life. In Kindermusik, parents are directed to "follow your baby", meant literally an figuratively. That is what I profess to do, what I think is the best thing for Stefan at that time.

Most importantly, I've learned to pay attention to him and meet his needs over my own. Instead of fighting him to get repair or house work done, I stop and play or feed him or whatever he happens to need, even if it's just holding him while whatever it is I can't figure out is wrong goes away. OK, I'm sure it's hard to believe that it is hard for me to stop and play...but sometimes I really need to get other things done. I learned that there is "Baby Time"...not spending time, but rather a "clock" type of time. Baby time means that if he's taking a nap, we can't go out, if he's up, I can't get done what I necessarily want, that it takes a bit more time to get out of the house, and that I need to plan around his schedule while not making any definite plans, or promises. Had he not been so demanding at first, I would not have learned this so easily. Quicker acceptance has lead to far fewer headaches.

That all being said, like most of us, there is a Jekyll and Hyde-ness to him. Stefan and Sha nay-nay, actually. Sha nay-nay rears his head around 6 PM or so. Or when a nap time is missed. He wines that one stupid monotone pitch I wish he'd forget and throws his toys about the room. But he's left by sunrise and Stefan is here most of the day.

Some Ideas on Monsterous Sleep Issues

Stefan has struggled with night time sleep since birth. I think there have been 3 issues plaguing him. Diet (milk allergy), Sleep (or lack thereof) and a busy mind or body. I'm hoping this story and some of the info. may help someone out there in the same position. It's not you, it's your baby. It's really hard to know what they are trying to tell you when they only have a cry. Now at 6.5 months, my memory is kind of fuzzy (see it gets better), but I'll try to recap. I know I have left out some stuff we do to help, do check out the following post on techniques getting a high needs baby to sleep).

Let me start with how we sleep. I feel pretty strong about parenting the baby to sleep (babies sleep patterns are different, they don't necessarily drift off to sleep like an adult)- I don't follow all of one parenting style, attachment parenting would be what I do the most, but I've found, you can't predict a baby and you can't lock yourself into any ONE fashion of parenting. So, he has my bed, a co-sleeper attached, and a crib in his room. At night, he sleeps in bed with me, occasionally making his way to the sleeper. At first, it was just really hard to lift him from the sleeper (I had an emergency c-section after 4 days of unmedicated labor- I was hurtin' for about 2 months before I felt human again). It's also easier to nurse while sleeping if he's in bed with me. Until about 4-5 months he slept in everything but the "bed" places for naps or before I headed to sleep. Car seat was his favorite, then swing chair, sometimes the carriage. He's often in our bed, since I can sneak out ofter nursing him to sleep without moving him.

The first days in the hospital (I was there 3-4), he was mellow. Sean made the mistake of pointing out how "chill" he was. I guess anyone would be after what he'd been through. We arrived home and he started showing signs that something was wrong. Here is proof of where "Cry it out" (CIO) would have been detrimental- and this was before we realized it should never be used on children under 6 months. He'd start wailing, at 2 weeks old (too young for colic), starting at around 4 pm and this could go on until 12 am. The worst stretch was 6 hours of blood curdling screams. CIO isn't a practice I really agree with, but as confused, new parents out of ideas, I gave it a try. He cried one night for hours. I'm not sure what the "it" part of CIO is, he didn't get it out, and still hasn't.

At 2 months, things seemed to get a bit better. Stefan waited until 6 pm to start the wailing, and stopped usually by 11 pm. Some nights it was all those hours, sometimes just a couple. He started staying awake more during the day. Pretty soon, he started with this constant eye rubbing. It went on a few weeks, I thought they were itchy, a part of his eczema. Sean told me to mention it to the Pediatrician (Pedi), and I did, and he had nothing to offer, really. I believe that was at our 4 month visit, where we were more concerned with the milk allergy. I don't even think I mentioned his inability to get to sleep or night time fussiness, I just assumed he was being a baby. Then came the big light bulb moment: He's rubbing his eyes because he's sleepy. DUH!

I had been letting him "choose" when he took a nap. If he didn't sleep all day, I really didn't question it. "Baby knows what Baby needs", right? Well not ALL the time. I started working on getting him down 3 times a day for naps. It was hard. By the last nap, then subsequent bed time, I was so tired of putting him down, I often resorted to the baby swing. Here's why...

At the first sign of sleep- an eye rub or yawn- I hopped into a darkened, quiet room. Then I'd try to nurse, shush, and rock him to sleep. This isn't comfy rocking chair rocking. It's aggressive dipping (like dead lifts if you know weight lifting), broad swaying with lots of bouncing, lots of knee bending (I literally don't have much cartilage in one of my knees from injuries, and I tell you, sometimes it hurts like heck to rock my boy). Loud shushing accompanied- really loud. Louder than his cries. After an hour or two, he'd fall asleep. If he didn't, by the 3rd hour, I was reaching for the swing chair. With loud music playing (from the chair), and the swing set to at least a 4 (out of 6), he'd cry for a while longer, before passing out.

Sleep begets sleep. After getting him to take those naps, his temperament regarding sleep was easier. Not wonderful, but better. Once the casein (what causes the allergy to milk) was out of my and his system, things became a easier still. The first nap of the day was and is always the best, he'd go down within a 1/2 hour. The rest were steadily harder. But, at this point (4-6 months) usually took only 1 hour to put him down at night. Other times 2, occasionally more than that. But all of this was still taxing...I mean at the end of a 24 hour day, I had spent 4-6 hours trying to put Stefan to sleep. That's way too many for his age, I thought.

I jumped on my Facebook mommy circuit- and soon was getting all sorts of advice. The best gem being the exercise ball in place of standing and rocking. It was a knee saver! And it worked more times than not. Bathing before bed is also a wonderful technique that works more often than not I was also reassured that I was doing my best, it's just a phase, and we do what we need to do to get by, ie I'm not a child abuser because I resort to the swing chair to get him to sleep some nights. Reassurance is sometimes the best "advice". It really helped me regroup and refocus my efforts on wanting to parent Stefan to sleep.

Now at 6.5 months, he's doing better. In the past week, I've put him down for his first nap by simply laying him in his crib. He fussed a bit, but drifted off very easily. In the past couple of days he's gone down for the night in about 20 minutes time- that is he nurses to sleep and I take a little snooze until I know I can roll out of bed without waking him- he's in deep sleep.

I currently don't schedule naps- there are times when I break that schedule, and other times where he does. It just doesn't seem necessary or worth it now. He has created a schedule that includes a late morning, mid afternoon, and early evening nap...though he may miss one of those so it throws off the others. His patter is more awake for 2-4 hours, sleep for 1-2 until bed time. And no, he does not sleep through the night. He's a baby, who mostly breastfeeds, and nature built him so that he wakes when he's hungry. Some times that means every couple of hours, with a larger 5 hour stretch somewhere in there.

At this point, I think I'm dealing with his over active brain or body- or both. Last night, he seemed to not be able to shut off his body, though his eyes and mind certainly wanted a break. Other times, I think his crying is because, like me, I can't shut my thoughts off at night. So it's an on going thing, trying to figure out what works best, and just when I have the magical combination of rocking, singing, shushing, and nursing, something changes and I have to figure out how to revamp the process.

I plan to have the sleep enticing tricks I've used in another post...sooner than later if he doesn't wake up from this nap soon!